Pills, pills and more pills!

Now, go on, be judgemental just from knowing me, and reading the title of this post…..what pills am I on about?!

Hazard a guess?! I dare you!

Part of me wants you to be extra judgemental, as I know some of you will be.

I’ve taken every pill, potion, herbal extract you can ever imagine, and those are the pills, pills and more pills, you are undoubtedly thinking off.

That was another lifetime ago.

I’m on about pills in the house. You know, pain relief, paracetamol, the stronger stuff.

What did you think I was on about?!

Over a week ago I threw my back out, literally getting up after sitting on the bed to talk to Magoo while taking my vans off.

Literally from doing that! My future has little to no hope, doesn’t it?!


The back is slightly better, but I never took anything for pain relief, mainly because I don’t like to. I’m not masochistic, I’d just rather ride it out….the pain normally gets worse before it gets better, so I like to wait for as long as possible, before becoming a soft shit and taking pain relief.

Anyways, the other afternoon I found myself in the most horrific amount of pain. I’m not being over dramatic, seriously, the most amount of pain.

I’d eaten a few sweet sweets, and I must have a small hair line crack in a tooth, as fuck my life, I could have cried at the pain.

Imagine, the worst pain possible, times that by about 67, and then shove it in your face, your gum line, of your lower jaw, then it may come close!

I was in without thebeanspoonerswife or Magoo, so poor Bruce had to listen to me whine on about regretting to eat a handful of overly sugary sweets,and why at my age, I really should know better.

Also, where the fuck were the pain killers?!

I swore we had some super strong ones somewhere. But for the life of me, I couldn’t find them. I also knew it was killing me, as my first instinct was to reach for the elephant pain killers, I could now no longer find! Balls!

I thought best not to disturb thebeanspoonerswife at work over something so trivial, so set about looking in the places we keep the pain relief meds.

Don’t get me wrong, we don’t keep stuff just lying around the place, like an 80’s coke den in Miami.

We have a small plastic basket in the kitchen, on the top of a cupboard, out of Magoos reach, where we keep the usual paracetamol, indigestion tablets, the usual stuff.

Nope, not there….balls!

So I go up to the bathroom to look in there. We have a few little bathroom organising baskets, again, out of Magoos reach, full of random stuff, you know the sort, plasters, extra face wash, creams, poop tablets (we’ve all got them), tooth paste bought by mistake, and our own personal meds.


Oh for fucks sake!

So I decide to stop looking and go back down stairs to have a chat with Bruce, and put the world to rights about not being able to find these fucking pills.

Now, at this point you are probably thinking, fucking hell, he sounds like a dependent pill head, why doesn’t he just pop out and get some more?

Well, our local shop is that, local. You know the kind, they sell everything you want, just not exactly the same as what you are used to, and a little bit more expensive.

Well I can’t take paracetamol for pain like normal people. They don’t do anything, it’s like eating parmaviolets for me. Nothing.

Most shops sells the generic paracetamol and generic pain relief. Something I cannot use.

I take two pills a day. One for exceptionally high blood pressure, and one to stop be going crazy and dull the voices that I have in my head.

The crazy pills are just that. Crazy pills. They level me out, but deep down, ironically, there is a voice there, telling me they are basically a placebo and are fucking pointless. There’s also another voice there, telling me not to be a cock, and just take it, as it makes you feel reassured and calmer.

Go figure.

The blood pressure pills are for that. High blood pressure. I think I’ve had them for about 10 ish years. It’s stupid really, but if I don’t take them, my blood pressure could spike and kill me….not really a chance I want to take….so I have to take them. The drawback of high blood pressure, is you can’t take many pain meds, or anything for a cold, cough or snotty nose.

So I’ve generally one of those three, if not more!


I had a misspent youth. This meaning normal pains meds don’t do a thing for me!

So I have to take stronger, over the counter or prescribed pain relief. Meaning I can’t just pop to the local shop to buy some!

Fuck it!!!!

So I spend the rest of the afternoon wondering where any pain meds are in the house, as at this point, any will be better than none.

There’s nothing like a tooth ache is there?! It’s a certain type of pain. Like if you could assign a pain a trait, tooth ache would be a Nazi. The worst type there ever was or will be.

That’s what it felt like!

So thebeanspoonerswife comes home after collecting Magoo from his prison camp for the day.

We get into a petty, heated squabble about where the fuck have all the pain meds gone.

You know the sort of arguement…..where’s this gone, you had it last, I’m sure we had loads, where have you put them etc etc.

We all have them…..don’t we!?

Anyways, turns out the box of super strong elephant darts I bought, was actually about about 3-4 weeks ago, and migraine after migraine and period pain after period pain they had all been used!

I suffer from tension head aches pretty badly, due to the high blood pressure, so do sometimes take them. Also, misspent youth, mentioned above, means I have a shit short term memory.

So, petty squabble over and done with, we settle in for the nights.

Felt like the Nazis in my gum were invading another European country, so the night was going to be a struggle.

It took 3 days to go away.

I only took 2 paracetamol in the end as I had a little temperature on the brew….!

We still never found them ….

I blame the Nazi’s!

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