Did you know….?

Did you know, I’m nearly 40?

Did you know I’m from Birmingham? But not with that massively annoying Brummie twang to my voice.

Did you know I’m a member of ‘surfers against sewage’?

Did you know, until last week, I haven’t had any real, valid I.D. for nearly 20 years!

Did you know I’m a published author?

These are just a few things, that you probably didn’t know!

Do you even care!?

I’m also a child of divorce. My parents have been divorced for over 30 years.

I’m allergic to penicillin, so is thebeanspoonerswife.

I once, and only once, got so drunk as a teenager, I pissed the bed, and honestly thought I’d spilt pineappleade everywhere.

I once smoked the Bible …..well, a page out of it, as I was so shit faced , and had run out of Rizla papers, that I grabbed a copy of one of those little red bibles you used to get given at school, and used a page of that….needs must.

I used to run a football hooligan pub, and it was indeed rough. Rough to the point some on the door men we used, either used to hide, or carry batons and pepper spray!

I personally know Roy Wood, from the band Wizard.

I’ve met Michael Eavis, and we had a thought provoking chat about the Cornish coastline and maps! Nice bloke.

I used to work in an off licence, in Derby, while at uni, that had a brothel above it. The front door of the off licence was there fire meeting point, when they had fire alarms went off. They were very polite ladies.

We used to live opposite a cattle feed delivery depo….fucking hell it stank.

We got married on a Wednesday, and lots of people moaned, but then again, it wasn’t there day.

Thebeanspoonerswife got married in a blue dress, and she looked stunning. She still does of course.

I once killed a load of expensive fish, at a friends house, by chucking live bangers over their house, into their neighbours garden pond, with him helping, well leading. I’m not proud of that.

I have an older sister, we used to play fight alot, and once I chucked her over my shoulder (she’s older, but alot smaller and shorter), and broke her arm in 2 places. She still managed to run down the stairs and grass me up first. Cow!

I once, along with some friends, and thebeanspoonerswifes, wrote in black permanent marker pen, my name, in big letters, on the floor of the Wolverhampton Civic hall at a music gig.

I stuck a black jack sweet up my nose as a toddler, and my parents were told it would either work its way through my system or I’d choke. Fuck you universe!

I used to own two gold fish, called dazed, and the other was called confused.

I used to religiously buy Playboy magazine, honestly for the articles and jokes.

I have a high tolerance to pain medication. When I go to the dentist for any work, they don’t use the usual stuff as it doesn’t work, I think I have a liquid rhino tranquilliser.

I won a prize, about age 11/12, at the first annual Gamesmaster show, a computer tournament at the Birmingham NEC (no longer exists), for completing the first level of Sonic the hedgehog, the quickest out of all entrants!

With my first student loan I bought a Sony mini disk man, and the thing was fucking awesome, expensive, but awesome.

I no longer drink any type of alcohol. I haven’t for nearly 20 years, after drinking a little too much when I was younger.

I prefer to be bare foot, than wear anything, even socks on my feet.

I’m bald.

But I have a beard, so it looks like my head is on upside down, or my scalp has had a stroke.

I have size 10 feet, and medium to large hands.

I have regular nose bleeds, I reckon mainly due to having high blood pressure.

Oh, I suffer with high blood pressure.

I get the worst indigestion, most of the times, but even more so after consuming anything made from tomatoes….it bloody burns.

I’m lactose intolerant.

I love raspberry ripple ice-cream, but it doesn’t like me.

I can’t drink orange juice, the pure kind, as t upsets my gut and makes me ill.

I’ve had pleurisy, which then lead to pneumonia. Whenever I get a cold or cough, it goes to my chest and makes me feel like shit!

I mainly wear t-shirts made by a specific company.

I adore watching cartoons.

Art, art is amazing, and I love the artist known as Reg Mombasa.

I think Shepard Fairway is the best political artist we will ever be privileged to have witnessed.

We were never having children, then along came Magoo.

I miss the brand ‘mambo’.

I own an antique Tiffany lamp, it’s gorgeous with a beautiful stained glass shade, and the dragon flies on it are spooky.

I don’t drink tea or coffee, or consume any caffeine of any kind.

As a kid we had an old English bulldog, called Winnie, she bit my dad, so was rehomed.

I always wanted to love by the sea, but never thought it would happen.

I/we are not religious in anyway.

I don’t support any football team. And I’m a man, shock horror.

I hate baths and prefer a good shower.

My favourite food, apart from ice cream, crisps and good old fashioned sweets, is spaghetti Bolognese cooked the proper way (no fucking carrots), followed closely by lasagne, cooked the proper way (no white sauce).

I love music, but I’m pretty picky what I listen to.

I wear glasses.

Years ago I suffered from agoraphobia, which lasted some time, and was horrible. I sometimes still get a quick flash of it once in a while.

I am scared of spiders and snakes.

I do also suffer from vertigo alot, which is fucking horrible and basically feels like your head is in a washing machine and your stomach is in your throat….ergh!

I’ve always wondered what happens when you die?! I’ve had many sleepless nights over this.

As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut, and still to this day, would love to go to the moon.

There’s no nicer feeling then when Magoo comes home, hugs me and tells me he’s missed me. No one thing, can ever top that.

I/we have custom made wedding rings that glow under UV light. They are one offs, well two offs as they match.

I once destroyed an 8 foot tall Lego sculpture purely by being a stupid idiot.

Bluntness comes very naturally to me, and some people take it that I’m being rude, when in fact I’m just being upfront and honest, and not standoffish.

Being overly sarcastic just flows out of my mouth, it’s a gift, not a skill and I can’t help it.

I love changing the words to songs, either into pure filth or comedy. My favourite is ‘I can see clearly now the rain has gone’ to ‘ I can pee freely no my uretha is clear’. Thebeanspoonerswife used to hate me doing it, no she either laughs to the point of crying or joins in.

My family are the most important people to me, they are ‘my people’, so please, don’t fuck with them.

I hate being judged by ignorant judgemental fuckwits that don’t know me. Thats when I become truly horrible and can say the most vile and horrendous things in retaliation.

I went to a pretty big primary and middle school, and an even larger secondary school.

I love the fact some people I know are so fickle and vain, they think everything I write about or mention, is about them, when in fact, it has fuck all to do with them and their social (well wannabe) social standing!

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